Children ended my indie hacking career

As someone who has been in your shoes, attempting to indie hack side projects with young children and now has his first kid about to head off to college in two months...

The early years are hard and you often start to question your reasons for kids & have FOMO of those that don't have kids who are creating startups and doing all the things you wish you were doing (the FOMO goes both ways, though - grass is always greener).

But it gets better, much better. And I know it's trite, but it does go by in a flash, and even though I feel like I was able to spend a lot of time w/ my kids, especially in the last seven years or so, sometimes I feel like I missed out on a bit of their earlier years, with a demanding career and trying to grind out startup ideas.

You don't have to give up on indie hacking, but I would try to put it in perspective or don't let it consume you. Create some balance, give yourself some time & try to remove internal pressure and expectations. Realize that, especially when kids are in the 0-7 ish year range, they're going to monopolize a lot of time. Accept this and don't resent it.

Find other ways to make ends meet financially. Don't get caught up in buying crap and getting into debt. Find a way to get to a single earner family as soon as you can, if you aren't there already. You may need to be extra frugal as a single earner family, but let me tell you - having one parent managing the household and kids (education, college admissions process, etc...) is worth a million billion times more than expensive cars, trips, gadgets and other material nonsense.

Finally, they do grow up, and when they do, you can't rewind the clock. You only have one shot at this. I consider myself lucky to have a great relationship with my kids and to have been around for the majority of their time growing up. As they head off to college, you realize you really can't spend enough time with them. I'm extremely proud and excited to see my daughter head off to college, but the realization that we won't be around each other on a daily basis going forward is emotionally intense, to say the least.

Good luck and enjoy the journey,

Joe

When I'm not working my day job I'm constantly tending to their needs

Then don't.
It's OK to reserve a few hours a week for yourself. Exclusively and with no conditions. Talk to your partner, tell her that you need a hobby to stay sane, and to recharge batteries. And that there is even a chance, that your hobby will add to the home budget in the future.
You can keep venting on the internet, or you can just talk to your partner, explain your needs, and try to figure something out.
She wanted permanent stability in a form of marriage and kids, so why don't you ask for things you need (especially that they are not really affecting your family)?
You being burned out and unhappy will DEFINITELY affect your children, even if you don't see it or know it.
Just communicate - nicely, logically, and be open about your needs.
You're not asking about the impossible. You deserve happiness.
Simple as that.

Edit: Also, your title: "Children ended my indie hacking career" - don't blame the children - that's not fair imo. You did it. It was your doing that led to where you are.

I am in your shoes right now and I’m pushing myself and trying to manage marriage, baby, work and side projects. It is difficult, the kid takes all the time I previously had for side projects and I am not complaining like you mentioned because the baby is the best thing ever happened in my life, but this is the truth.

I can only suggest the following to you as a fellow indie hacker who has found a pattern which have worked for me so far:

• remove every other distraction from your life which is not needed
• disconnect from all social media
• limit time for watching Netflix/Youtube
• limit your time on the internet doing random stuff
• limit or stop gaming

In general you want to detect the time you spend during a day and remove everything which you think is not needed. The list above worked for me.

Our boys are now almost-4 and just-6, so I'm slightly ahead of you in the path of parenthood. And I must say... it does get easier! I've already carved out some hours each week to work on projects, and in a few weeks our youngest will start school and I get an additional few hours.

Sure, it's not all-consuming as it was in my younger years... But you can adapt to the new rhythm!

And there's a bonus: your family, your kids, it's a great source of new ideas. You and your kids will run into all kinds of problems, that you could see as reverse-business-ideas.

Also, last week my 6yo was watching me code and asking some questions. I kicked of the simulator and showed him my app, and he was really impressed. "Wow, you MADE that?!"

Best reward in the world...

Busy parent here! Your feelings are understandable; its a struggle to be a provider in constant work/support mode. Kudos to you to be able to provide the support your family needs and still stay sane/positive.

What has helped me over the last few years of parenthood is accepting my time limitations and enjoying the limited time that my son will be so young and curious. Still trying to work on projects but I find if I keep them at a nano SaaS/tool level, I can actually complete some work early on the weekends or on nights where I decide to sleep a few less hours. Currently working on some mico-tools that I would find useful in my industry (infosec) that I can make progress on with tiny windows of development time.

Best of luck; just keep the scope realistic and incrementally you can still build something awesome! Hope this helps friend!

I'm working on my side project for 10 years already. I also have 4 kids. Now 13, 11, 9 and 2.

I can tell you a 2 and 5 year old take a lot of energy. A 7 and 10 year old (just wait 5 more years) however, can dress themselves, do things independently, etc. They don't take that much effort anymore.

I have one advice for you: enjoy your time with your kids. They won't stay 2 and 5 forever. And I get it that it takes a lot of time and effort, but it's also a really enjoyable time. Little kids like that is really something special.

I guess you're mid 30's now, or around 40? Don't worry, you have plenty of time! Look at this list of late bloomers: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/life-after-40-get-inspired-52-late-bloomers-ramesh-dontha/

This doesn´t feel selfish at all. If you want your family to be taken care of, they need a happy father.

Everything will get balanced in the end.

Best of luck,
G

I'm in your shoes right now. 30, two kids, and IHing.

My secret? Change your habits. Sure this might be a "phase" for now, but also maybe what you're working on isn't inspiring you enough to change? I found myself in that situation when working on a project that didn't speak to me for the two years I put into it.

I had to rework my habits for 4 years when my first was born so I would get up early and hack away a little each day. I squeeze time in-between my day job to get small tasks done.

When I put my kids to bed each night at 7, I would get maybe an hour or two of additional work, but generally speaking I'd be too tired, but satisfied that I got a couple hours in earlier in the morning.

To be fair, younger kids are harder and need you to be there. It gets easier with age.

Stay strong!

Hang in there bud! Between the anxiety, stress and lack of sleep, fatherhood is no joke. Deciding to be active in your kids’ lives is a commitment and will positively impact them well into their adulthood. I continue to struggle with the balancing act and my kids are 8 and 3. I still have a full time job and feel sapped at the end of it while staying up late to build an independent foundation. Hope this helps and wishing you the best.

Thanks for sharing this. You really opened up and I am sure that a lot of people are going through the same. I don't have kids myself (yet at least) but a lot of the WBE Space have them and they seem to manage. Can you give some help here @MaxwellDavis?

What if you indie-hacked something that is relevant for your kids or to parents? It seems like a time in people's lives that is ripe for innovation and new ideas

Hi - your post resonated with me. Do not wait for the moment when you will have time to indie hack, start now and start slow. I dedicate 30min to 1h everyday. My kid is 6yo and I have explained what I am trying to do and he understand I need the space. 1h a day is a lot of time when you work over months, no, you wont get anything done in 1 week but you will see progress and that will keep you energized. You also have a little one, so maybe you will need to wait until he/she is maybe 4yo or so. Something I do, which may be useful, I have these big post-its that I put on my walls and that's where I write things I want to work on, I may not work on them right away but by writing them down and seeing them I then can remember for whenever I have some time. I have markers and I scratch them as I work on them. Good luck.

PS: I agree with the comments about enjoying them before they grow up and also about not getting into unnecessary debt, you will need funds to start your venture and you will hate the mortgage and the car payment the moment you realize it is preventing you to have more financial freedom.

As a parent of 3 y.o. twins - I feel you!

Before I had kids I was always hacking away on something or other. I'd go full speed for a few weeks, launch, lose interest, watch it fizzle out, rinse and repeat. That got me nowhere, so perhaps having kids was a good thing - as it forced me to go slow.

It has still been challenging to juggle family & kids, but this new "low and slow" approach has been my most successful so far!

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I am in the similar situation. I have 6mo kid, and working on my startup. I work 10h, get up before 7am and got back home around 5pm. Minimum 2h per day if not more I work on a startup, and rest is my 9-5 job.

For a 6 months I worked from home too help out my wife, now i moved to the office.

Every week i move my startup closer to the launch.

It is possible but you have to be motivated, push it every day step by step and you have to follow the plan.

I use journal to plan and track my progress.

I agree with many dads here.

Philosophically, everything is a phase. Everyone have their own path to follow. I've always lived for what's next, which accelerated my career and life while sacrificed my youth, happiness and health.

Now I can really focus on what matters, which is health and family. While I still love coding and doing stuff, it's just not that important.

One note, please take care of your health. holy f! I've slept like 4 hrs/day since 2nd year university, while I've been extremely productive, it's not healthy.

I had a similar problem. Always did my indie hacking at night. Kids just drained my energy. Once I finally embraced going to bed early and waking up at 4 or 5 am to work on indie hacking for a couple of hours, I got my groove back. I am by no means a morning person but... my brain is fresh and I have some energy. If I try to work at night, I am just too emotionally and mentally drained.

Good Luck! Kids are a lot of work but really do make life special :)

Looks interesting.

Lots of great advice in here.

Thinking of making a site with advice to indie parents and generally people who have kids and jobs.

Working from home often means working with kids near you. I feel like there aren't many resources available in this area where people can go for advice.

It depends on a lot of factors whether one is able to indie hack with kids and a full time job. Personally I couldn't do it. I have an intrinsic need to work on side projects that builds up over time, but doing so with a small child just pushed me towards burnout. Having small kids comes not only with less time overall, but less sleep (and often persistent sleep and health issues, as in my case) and strain on relationships. Adding indie hacking into that mix should be done with extreme care. Personally, I've gone full time because we can afford it without having to worry financially, but that took a decade of building savings first.

Thanks for sharing, I recognise this so well. I have a 7- and a 4-year-old.

What helped me a lot was starting to freelance. That way, I could earn the same as an employee in half the time and spend what I got left on my own projects.

I think it's good to be selfish. If you aren't in a good place with your own ambitions and goals, that will reflect on how you are with your family.

I do think it's a privilege to be able to work on your own indie business.

What having kids really taught me is to take the time I've got more serious. To try to spend it more wisely.

Mine are 9 and 5 and only recently have started getting back into the side projects for a couple of hours a few evenings a week. As the others say they do grow up quick and some times its better to 100% parent than to be with them in body but mind is elsewhere. However saying that keep your phone handy for noting down ideas as playing make pretend games does get a bit mind numbing at times.

Just start with a simple idea or work in small blocks of time. A house is really just a lot of small blocks (yay for lego ages at last).

At that point, my girlfriend at the time gave me an ultimatum: get married or break up.

Lol. Why people give into this type of emotional blackmail is beyond me.

Is loneliness/celibacy really that scary?

This is the furthest thing from love, of which the defining characteristic is unconditionality.

"Do this or else" is not only a condition but also pretty extortionist in nature.

Giving into it only ensures more of it in the future, as they would have seen it work once and thus know that it will work again.

If you ask me, from the sound of it, she sees you as merely a vehicle to fulfill her life's goals and checkboxes by a certain age, and you're the "special guy" she has selected to make it all happen, and to pay for it too (e.g. the ring, the honeymoon, house, kids, etc.).

You basically sacrificed yourself -- your time, your energy, your money, and, most importantly, your identity, your hopes, your dreams, and your aspirations -- to make hers come true.

There's nothing to regret as all these have already happened and can't unhappen, and, even though you were emotionally blackmailed and strong-armed into it, you must take full responsibility for it and be at peace with the choices that you've made.